There is no meaning

Is there a meaning to life? Is it crazy to believe in a creator of the universe?

I grew up believing in science as it’s currently understood and that religious people were crazy to believe in something they couldn’t see, couldn’t prove.

I grew up knowing that life has no inherent purpose, that I can make my purpose. That I can make a good life for myself and do what makes me feel good. What I am interested in. What makes me good money. What will allow me independence, self-sufficiency.

I grew up with good and bad. I grew up with pleasure and pain, and I tried to avoid pain. I grew up knowing that life is unfair and why did it have to be me. Why did life have to happen to me. Why didn’t I have a better life. Why am I short and fat. Why am I so ugly. Why couldn’t I be someone else. Anyone else.

It was me against the world. I was alone. Maybe one day I would find a partner and feel more complete, feel desired, feel worthy, but a lot of the time I felt like I would be alone forever. I hated myself. I didn’t know what true happiness felt like. I knew what lust and infatuation felt like. I knew what being high and being numb and hallucinating felt like. I knew that these intense and pleasing feelings were fleeting, that I needed something external to renew them. A crush, a drug, a fantasy. I was not enough. I needed something else to complete me.

I knew what Gd was and I knew it didn’t exist. I knew that religious people were crazy. I knew that science was true.

Until slowly the supposed truths I had been telling myself all my life began to fall apart. When my life was falling apart, when I was about to die, I asked the universe for help. If anyone is out there please help me. Prayers of desperation, of not having any other option. And I felt a little better. And I got my first answer.

I realized for the first time that I had been assuming there is no Gd. I never even entertained the possibility of there being a Gd, or truly asked myself what is Gd, or what do religious people think is Gd, or thought of how to find out if there is Gd.

Until that point I had been unknowingly making that fundamental assumption. As an experiment on myself, I decided to make the opposite assumption and see what happened. I believe there is a Gd. Now what is it, and how to I get to know it? How do I describe it? How do I understand it? How do I logically justify this assumption?

I took me 6 years of wrestling with this assumption, from believing and searching to searching and trying not to believe, to surrendering to my truth – there is a creator of the universe and I call it, her, him, this entity, this energy, this oneness, this infinity, this nothing, this beyond my comprehension, Gd.

I was born, I was created, I was defined. Before me my parents were created, and before them, their parents, and before them nations were created.

Before humans there were other animals and plants that were created, were defined, that evolved from a predecessor.

The earth was created, and the galaxy was created and the universe was created. Science has described what would appear to be the beginning of the creation of our universe. The Big Bang. The collision of something and something and something to create something.

What is the matter our universe is created of? What are the fundamental building blocks of our space, our universe, our life? What is the source of everything we know? What is it that life has evolved from? What was there before the universe?

The universe as we describe it and understand it is limited, though expanding. Whatever is outside the universe, whatever was “before” the universe, contains the universe. Whatever this is exists outside of space and time. Outside of description. Outside of knowledge and understanding. It is inherent to our universe that there is some entity that comprises everything that is understandable, that comprises space and time, that comprises knowledge and consciousness, that comprises everything that has evolved – everything that has been driven to change. This entity is aware of everything. This entity is everything and more. This entity has no limits. Nothing within this universe defines this entity. No thought can grasp this concept because this entity is not definable. Imagine complete nothing. Imagine infinity.

I call this entity the source of everything, the creator of the universe, Gd. I chose to write Gd with a missing letter partly to embody the inability to capture this concept in a permanent form with letters, with words, with terms. I am in awe of this force. I choose to respect this force and I make this force holy to me, above logic. This force is unprovable because it does not exist in the plane of proof. It cannot be proven with our limited human methods of hypothesis, experimenting, observing, describing, recording. The existence of doubt is inherent to this world. There is a nothing, an unlimited, an entity that will never be able to be proven. An entity that will never be described in its entirety, never be understood completely. The fact that I cannot imagine nothing or everything or infinity, proves the inherent nature of doubt in this world. The existence of doubt is inherent to this world. Reality as I know it cannot exist without doubt – I can never understand everything, never prove everything, never know everything, never describe everything. Though I can approach proof, I can approach truth.

My universe is made entirely of Gd. Everything is in my universe comes from the source. The source of time and space. The source of the physical. The source of consciousness. The source of serenity. The source of peace. I close my eyes and tell myself that everything is ok. That everything is perfect. That I am existing in a moment in space and time. And that I am connected to the source of the universe. That all the materials, all the elements, all the fundamental building blocks of my physical body and my consciousness have a source. That these fundamental building blocks, and everything else that exists in the universe have a source. And that source is the entity, the nothing, the infinity, the indescribable that is outside the universe.

My universe is defined by space and time. This planes are mystic, and like life and creation, are signs of the creator, of limitless. Take a unit of space or time. Divide that unit in half. Divide the resulting two units in half. Keep dividing the resulting units in half forever. There is no limit to the smallness of space or time. It is continuous. Take a unit of space or time. Multiply that unit by two. Multiply the result two units by two. Keep multiplying the resulting units by two forever. There is no limit to the greatness of space or time.

Things can be continuous or discrete. Limited or limitless. I am limited. I will die. I was born. I was created. What lives outside creation. What is the source of creation? Creation is the ultimate act of love.