I want to be free

I have had a lot of “moments of clarity” in my life, moments where all of a sudden everything made sense.

One of my most recent, and perhaps most bizarre, moments of clarity happened to me a few months ago. I was lying down on my couch in my living room after an emotionally charged night, one with tears and hugs and advice and space and a lot of thinking. I was talking to two of my closest friends about ideas for movies. About stories. And I became fixated on this idea of describing my experience as a human. And then fixated on describing everything, like describing humanity at this very moment. What are people like, what is America like, what comprises the average person’s day? What activities, what thoughts, what actions?

Why are humans so obsessed with stories? It seems in our nature to love watching movies, to love Netflix, TV shows, love hearing stories, seeing stories, reading stories, getting swept away in the complexities and emotions and nuances of another human’s experience living on earth. When I watch a movie and I feel the emotion, see a character falling in love and I am sitting there emotionally involved, rooting for them, rooting for their love to work out – why am I like this? Why, as a human, do I like hearing stories about other people’s lives? What am I looking for? I do this for enjoyment. A part of me as a human likes seeing the success of a character, likes seeing goodness and love on a screen, likes being overtaken and submerged in a relatable struggle, loves being invested in the success of the character across from me. He can do it. She can do it. Everything will be ok.

Is there a perfect story? Is there a story we are all waiting to hear? The story of a savior that will bring peace to the entire world? Is that the perfect story? Is a part of me longing to be swept away in a story, to see that everything works out ok and everything is ok, because everything actually works out exactly how it should and everything is actually ok in life? Even if the movie doesn’t have a happy ending, the story ends, and life continues, and I get up and drink a coffee and eat a cookie and go to bed. Everything continues and continues to be ok as long as I am alive.

Why are we obsessed with stories? Why do we like to witness the human experience in a limited form? We see the experience of another in a simplified choreographed plotline containing all of the elements its author intended it to contain. A story can reveal to me many complex elements of its characters’ thoughts and actions, or it can simply describe a scenario and the actions humans take. A story expresses an experience with as much depth as it is allowed.

I had a moment of clarity that I was meant to quit my job and write movies. Starting by just writing my thoughts. Writing down my thoughts and experiences and stories, and publishing them. This is what I was meant to do. I wanted to write the perfect story. The story with the perfect impact. The story with the perfect outcome. The story that would feel true to the majority of the world.

I had a moment of clarity that told me to post my bank account online and have people donate money for me to live because I asked for it. That the majority of people would donate money because the majority of people are good. I had a moment of clarity that said everything that I will write down will become true. That writing things down with language and letters is a way of making a contract with the universe. Let’s see if it works for me.

Looking back it makes more sense to ask for digital currency considering the way of the world. Please send me money so I can write all day. So I can dedicate my time to researching the world and telling stories. So I can work toward writing the perfect story. So I can increase the amount of love in the world. So I can reveal truth.

Please send me money to my digital currency wallet:

Edit: The previous was deleted because this moment of clarity seems tainted by my destructive desire for instant gratification (see next post).

What would I do if I could do anything? If I wasn’t worried about making money or supporting myself? I would help other people, if only by listening to them and letting them know that they are heard, that they are loved, that they matter, that they are not alone. I would start with the elderly. I would interview the elderly and ask them about their lives, about what they have come to believe about life and what is important and why. How would you design the hierarchy of importance? One of my favorite questions is “How did you come to believe or not believe in Gd?” It is such an abstract yet fundamental topic that there are always interesting, morally rich stories that surround it. I would make a book that interviews the elderly, on one side there is their picture and on the other side there is their story. I like the interviewing part, it is exciting for me to meet more people, and I am excited to see what will come out of this. I will do this.

The overall goal is to do my part to bring world peace, to bring world harmony, to increase the good and love in the world. Is it my accident that these are the common aspirations of “Miss Universe”? It is only fitting that one with the grand title of Miss Universe be concerned with such important matters. Perhaps the only matters that really matter.

The way I see it, there is an ideal state for the world to be in. With each action that I take, I am essentially “creating”, similar to what my creator did when it created the world. I create a new reality with my will. Each decision I create will impact myself and the world in a particular way. My action can either be “building” or “destroying”, work to increase “good” and “love” in the world, or be absent of “good” and “love” to varying degrees. The more absent of love my actions are over time, the farther the world moves from its ideal state over time. I don’t know what is everyone’s purpose here. I can only look at my experience as a human and try to understand what I consider to be most likely to be my purpose. I can guess what another person’s purpose may be, but I lack the comprehensive wisdom and awareness that comes from having lived as that person.

If I could do anything I would do. It is important for me to continue to take action, to not not do. A part of me doesn’t want to do anything at all. Moving my body takes effort. Doing takes effort. My soul misses being completely one with goodness. My soul longs for all the goodness now! But this world does not work this way. In this world I am meant to do, I am meant to take action and push myself and do things that are hard for me and take effort, so I may earn my reward and succeed. Ideally, I would, at least, find actions and doings that I feel drawn to. A job that I like, for example, or an overarching mission that serves as my inspiration while I act. If I had to guess, I would say that for me if I worked each day to learn more about the world, about the human experience, about the meaning of life, about true pleasure and impact, about true goodness and help, if I worked each day towards these things, and created expressions of these things through different media, whether its telling stories by words or by speech, through art and painting and sculpture, through exploration and conversation, if I dedicated my time to doing these things, to searching for my answers, I would feel like I was on the right path. Because right now, in the rat race, I feel in many ways trapped in the mundane hamster’s wheel that can be life. I don’t want this to be my life. I want to explore. I want to be free.