Knowing

I step outside of the comfort of what I think I know, of what I think is truth.

When I step outside into the unknown, I am afraid.

Knowing gives me comfort and peace.

But what if everything I thought I knew isn’t real?

What if some of my instincts are wrong?

Some of my thoughts are driven by a limited, worldly force that is controlled by the physical laws of the universe, while others are rooted in an unlimited source that defies laws and logic.

What if true satisfaction comes from defying what limits me, what controls me, what grounds me – what holds me down.

Can I be set free by acting against my first thought, my will in its lowliest form?

Can I elevate myself?

What does elevation look like or feel like?

Can I see it or feel it on others who are seeking elevation?

What is the overlap between pleasure and good and truth and satisfaction and comfort?

What is wholeness?

What matters?

I am asking for your help.

I start with my faith, my belief system, my assumptions, which my heart has accepted following many years of struggle. I believe in a truth that feels the most true, the most real, to me. Even if you don’t believe, help me fill in the gaps in my logic, answer my questions. I can only get so far on my own.

The same patterns are expressed at every level of organization of life, in every “separate” field, in everything. The same driver or drivers, the same method of creating and destroying, building and finishing, but nothing is ever really finished. In the world there are forces continuously moving to counteract what we have built, to destroy. Oxygen, the very resource we need to breathe, is toxically decomposing everything it touches – what allows me to live is killing me. Why is this true? Is this inevitable? How does this paradox influence the way I live?

I can seek to build in all areas of my life. How do I know I am building? Building takes work, takes effort. Effort is uncomfortable on a certain plane. it is not something that comes “naturally”, it is not easy. Why is starting something so hard? As I begin to learn, and feel that I am increasing my knowledge, I begin to feel comfort. I then find other things to work on, other things that I don’t know, other areas where I am uncomfortable.

Why don’t I focus on the difficult questions? Why don’t we ask ourselves where we came from? Why don’t we dedicate our lives to finding the answer? Is it important? Is there a purpose? Is there a purpose to anything? Do we as humans make purpose? Do we create and design with purpose?

Why do I long for quiet, for serenity, for numbness, for inner peace?

What is the relationship between knowing and peace and wholeness and quiet?

What is the connection between searching and freedom?

Is the essense, the purpose of searching to search for freedom?

When I don’t know the answer to a question, some force drives me to find look for it, drives me to know. Why am I driven to feel like I know the answer? To search? To find out? I am driven and shaped by the need to know. Only when I feel like I know do I feel free. Free of the restless unknown, the questions that nag at my mind and tell me I am not safe, not stable, not grounded.

Some people seem to not like asking questions. Some people seem scared of questions. Some questions seem so ominous that its difficult to know where to begin looking for the answer. When approached with this kind of question, some people find content in ignoring the question, others in deciding there is no answer, or that the answer doesn’t matter, or that attempting to answer the question is not worth the headache.

I say that there is an true answer to every question. And although I, as a limited human, can never fully understand the truth, I can understand it to the degree that is accessible to humans. I can understand the truth using the terms humans use, using the fundamental building blocks humans use to describe and understand.

Live is filled with purpose. I am driven to eat, to sleep, to write, to play, to laugh, to seek human companionship, I am driven to act, to think. I move with purpose. Societies move and develop with purpose. We are driven by ideals, to be “better”, to progress.

What is more likely, that everything has a purpose, or that nothing has a purpose, or only some things have a purpose? Or that things human’s made have purpose, becuase humans created “purpose”? In the least, I know that some things have purpose. When human’s create, we create for purpose. We invent with purpose. Is purpose man-made, or can purpose be seen throughout nature? Is the purpose to maximize efficiency? To maximize total yield while minimizing necessary effort? Or is it deeper than that? Can the very build of my consciousness provide me with clues?

As an emotional human that values goodness and love above all, it is most logical to me that my ultimate purpose is to do as many good deeds as possible, love as much as possible, and increase the total goodness, love, and peace in the universe. This lofty yet basic goal seems more true than any other goal I have come across. As of today, this seems most likely to be my purpose. Nothing else seems meaningful in comparison. Not the accumulation of wealth, not achieving fame, not seeking pleasure, not having everyone like me. In comparision, all of the above seem trivial and immature. So how do I achieve this? How do I do the most good? How do I love the most? How do I bring peace?

First I have to determine what I think to be true. I have to determine what actions and thoughts I consider good, or loving, or peaceful. I have to determine what actions and thoughts I consider destructive. I have to work to understand myself and the world around me. I have to identify where love is missing, and work to bring love there. I have to use my time in this world wisely to maximize my impact.

Ideally, I would continuously excrete love. I would be a living love cloud that was bright, beautiful, and shining and smelled like roses and gummy bears, and sounded like a spirit flute or mystical oriental instrument and everywhere I went people would just sense me, see my bright light, smell my sweet perfume, hear my harmonious sound, and feel loved. People would just feel loved, feel connected, feel at peace. People would stop searching for temporal pleasures and simply bask in the perfection of the waves of life, appreciating what feels good and what feels bad, and would simply love because it is the only thing that really makes sense. The only thing that really is meaningful. The only thing that is completely satisfying. When I love others, I feel warmth, I smile, I laugh. When I love others, I want to give them the most real, most comfortable hug of all time, and let them know that they are not alone and that everything is ok. That everything is exactly as it should be. That they are perfect.

Ideally, I would be a living love cloud that was bright, beautiful, and shining and smelled like roses and gummy bears, and sounded like a spirit flute or mystical oriental instrument. But I am soul dressed as a human that is still trying to figure out how to be the best version of myself. I need help. I can’t do it alone. I love you.